Sep 17 2020
This isn't easy for me to write because it involves my mental health. So, if it's not your bag feel free to skip this post.
Helping my mom since her cancer diagnosis has left me in this peculiar state where I don't actually know what I'm feeling. I call it "running on wires," as in, the silicon I'm connected to is running me, and the organics are off doing... something, maybe. My therapist calls it alexithymia, and reading about it that's as good a word for it as any.
I've been fighting with clinical depression for most of my life, ever since my grandmother died in 1987 or 1988.ev (somewhen around fourth grade). I've been in and out of various forms of therapy for most of my life, and while everything seems to help for a while it never lasts. I've also been fighting with my body's weight (hang on... my weight) for about as long. When I get depressed my diet goes to hell in a handbasket, and I know that I've put on some weight during the time I was in Pittsburgh. I don't know how much because I haven't weighed myself, and I haven't wanted to weigh myself because I don't know how I'd react to seeing just how many pounds I've put on.
Under the cut, discussion of eating disorders. Punch out if you want.
Oct 14 2018
Long time readers are probably wondering where I've been lately. The answer is kind of long and is worth a post all on its own. The short version of the story is, work's been eating me alive lately. This is our busiest time of year and it's been all hands on deck for a couple of weeks now. In point of fact, last week was our quarterly all-hands meeting, where everybody on my team was flown into town for a solid week of meetings. All day, every day. Most of my visible activity lately took the form of parts of my exocortex running on automatic with some hit-and-run posting while waiting for the coffee maker at work to top me up in between meetings.
This also means that I haven't had a whole lot of patience for interacting with people. Not in the sense that people can feel frustrated with other people or their actions, but in the sense that interacting with people in a meaningful way - having a real conversation - takes more compute cycles than I have available right now. After fourteen hours in a conference room with 40 other people, not only am I out of social, but I'm mentally exhausted.
Mar 20 2017
I've been asked to signal boost this by AJ, one of the few people whom I would say in public that I trust.
Lapis, a friend of his, is a transwoman who is disabled and is also at this time homeless. Lapis is undergoing a mental health crisis at this time and is actively seeking assistance. However, the mental health system has judged that Lapis is not undergoing a sufficiently bad crisis to warrant hospitalization (which would mean getting her off the street). As far as I know, Lapis is estranged from her family so they are not an option for assistance at this time. To render assistance, AJ has gone into the red by sacrificing money he had saved up to get his car fixed to get Lapis into a motel for the next couple of days. For family reasons, AJ isn't able to hook Lapis up with crash space.
If you can help out somehow, can you please donate a few dollars to this campaign and repost this message elsewhere to bring it to the attention of more people? If you're not in a position to donate money, if you could hook Lapis up with crash space somewhere in the Portland area or if you can help AJ get his car repaired (in the event that he has to drive Lapis someplace), please contact me through one of the socnets I use or at one of the e-mail addresses associated with my PGP key and I'll pass word along.